Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, the vacuum cleaner, the immortal creature of ultimate destruction. It’s pure evil, but this death machine lives among us bringing terror and mayhem, as our humans push and pull it around by its horrific horn. Come with us as we discuss the terrible beast the humans call the vacuum cleaner.
Human, you may leave the room. We need to have a talk with the dog.
We, need to talk about this! There are five very important things you need to know about this deadly beast. You ready?
5. It’s Loud
It’s not just loud like that bothersome cat when he’s hungry. No, this is an unholy screech that just keeps going like … forever. You’ll be told to just go lay down, but you can’t be expected to with that awful noise penetrating every corner of existence.
No, the only way to drive it back is to make more noise. You must bark, you must growl, you must let this ghastly beast know that you are keen to its dastardly deeds. If you growl and bark enough, your human will be able to drag it to the corner where it will go night night for at least a few days. Or, until next time you rip the stuffing out of one of your toys.
4. The Vacuum Cleaner moves weird for a Dog
Yes, it moves weird. You shouldn’t trust it. It moves forward. It backs up. It moves forward again. Back and forth back and forth, all the time making that horrible whining sound.
The best way to avoid its perverse movement is to jump around in circles around it. That way you can run up to it, bark and then make a quick escape to regroup your barking efforts. But be wary as it moves from room to room. Do not let it out of your sight.
3. The Vacuum Cleaner eats your Dog stuff.
IT loves to eat your hair. You know the ones you left on the big, long squishy chair. The big chair that is long enough for three humans, but only one dog.
It loves to eat the guts of your toy animals. The guts you worked so hard to remove. Those are your things. You must defend them. At all cost.
This battle will likely be fruitless, so you’ll have to make sure to make more of what your human calls a mess when the beast is gone. Humans love messes. They get so excited and proclaim, “Look, you’ve made a mess!” They sound mad, but humans aren’t very good at expressing their emotions. They don’t even have a tail.
If you don’t care about protecting your mess, go find a corner to hide in. But come out every once in a while to growl or bark. You’re a dog. Show some pride. Let the cat do the napping. K?
2. It drags your human around.
With its long horn protruding from its strange body, it drags your human around unwillingly destroying your gift of messes.
Your human is an unwilling participant. That’s why they say all the naughty words and sometimes scream while the beast has them captive.
Us your barks and growl to liberate your human from this creature. Don’t believe it when your human says, “Bad Dog” – She’s being coerced by this beast. She doesn’t really think you’re a bad dog for trying to save her life. Do not go lay down, whatever she may say.
1. The Vacuum Cleaner wants your dog soul.
Not only does it suck up the hair you left lying around and your toy stuffing, but it can suck up your soul. This beast wants nothing more than to take your life energy back to its corner as a snack while it rests for its next encounter.
You’ve got to bark and growl.
Bark and growl as if your life depends on it. It does and so does your human’s. Be vigilant my friend. Be woke, brah! Be woke! [laughs] That’s so funny.
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