Many of us have been on lockdown for the past few weeks in an effort to stop a scourge that has been likened to the plague. You thought it could never happen in our time, but it has…and if what we’re experiencing now could happen, anything can—including the zombie apocalypse.
Since you have all this free time on your hands, now is the time to make a supply list so you’ll be prepared…you know, just in case. You’ll need bread of every kind, milk, eggs, rubbing alcohol, drinking alcohol, hand sanitizer, and of course—toilet paper, but did you know that you’ll also need a dog?
We did, and in this episode of Animal Facts, we’re going to share our picks for the best dogs to help you survive the zombie apocalypse.
To survive a zombie apocalypse, the first thing you’ll need to do is hire a top-notch security team. This elite team of guard dogs should be composed of canines that have a natural inclination to protect the ones they love.
Other desirable characteristics include intelligence (because they need to know the difference between the dead and the undead), alertness (so they’ll be quick to let you know when danger is near…be it a zombie, looter, or your asymptomatic human bestie), fearlessness (so you know they’ll always have your back— unlike said human bestie), focus and tenacity (to stick to the task at hand, whether it’s taking down a zombie piece by piece or that lady hoarding all the toilet paper, again) and of course, size (no explanation needed).
Our doggie defense crew includes the Doberman Pinscher, Rottweiler, Pit Bull, Mastiff, Belgian Malinois and top canine cop—the German Shepherd. Not only will they protect you, but their perseverance will inspire you to keep pushing when you want to throw in the towel.
Although it’s only natural that you would want a big, assertive dog to feel secure during a hostile zombie takeover, there are several small breeds that can help keep you safe with their feistiness and barking ability. Since they’re only tall enough to bite ankles, these tiny tough pups make excellent watchdogs,. If you’re a small dog devotee, make sure to include the Chihuahua, Pomeranian, and Miniature Schnauzer on your paw patrol. It might also be prudent to add some type of Terrier. They know how to bring the noise and are compulsive diggers—a skill that can prove useful when the corpses start to pile up. Dig it?
The next thing on your apocalypse preparedness checklist should be food. Sure, canned goods are the staple of any disaster diet. Who doesn’t love a hearty can pork and beans, chili, or Vienna Sausage?
There’s nothing like the taste of good ole non-perishable cheap eats, but neither man nor woman can live on canned food alone. That’s why you’ll find a good hunting dog invaluable in a world where restaurants and grocery stores cease to exist.
Want to bring home some big game for dinner? Get yourself a Bloodhound. Not only will you have an expert animal tracker on your side, but you’ll also have the best nose around for tracking humans, as well. After a long day of zombie evasion, you can just turn ‘em loose— their howl will tell you when they’ve hit the jackpot.
If you’re in the mood for smaller fare, the Dachshund is your “hot dawg.” Built for burrowing underground to track small prey like rabbits and foxes, it can find food without being seen. It is also equipped with the courage, strength, and teeth to go toe to toe with more vicious foes, other den-dwellers like the badger and wolverine – no not him. And to top it off, the weiner dog has a surprisingly loud bark that will let you know when the chase is over.
If you really want to go fancy, get yourself the Alexa of hunting dogs—the Pointer. Like everyone’s favorite virtual assistant, the Pointer “tells” you what you need to know in rather certain terms. Instead of howling when it has successfully tracked down dinner, which may or may not invite the walking dead to a brain buffet, this canine compass stands straight and still while bending one leg, basically forming an arrow with its body and “pointing” out the location of delicious prey. This low-noise method of tracking could prove rather useful, because it will allow you to go stealth when grabbing some grub.
If you live in an area where more snow is shoveled than grass is cut, you’ve got to have reliable transportation that can withstand harsh temperatures, doesn’t need gasoline, and can run as well as any hybrid car. Given their strength and stamina, a posse of Sled dog favorites such as the Siberian Husky, Samoyed, and Alaskan Malamute would serve as the ideal engines for your sled or sleigh. To sweeten the deal, these breeds can also double as guard dogs.
Okay, so we’ve highlighted the breeds we think would be invaluable in the event of a zombie apocalypse, and grouped them according to their innate abilities. Well, our final group could be called the “Swiss Army Dogs” of the zombie apocalypse, because they do it all. It is highly likely that the ever-popular Labrador Retriever and Golden Retriever will retain their popularity through the apocalypse because of their wide range of abilities. Though both were bred to retrieve waterfowl and fish without damaging it, they are also used as detection, service or therapy dogs, lifeguards, and in search and rescue operations. In short, these breeds are your one-stop-shop for surviving against the odds.
Well, that does it for this edition of Animal Facts, but before we go, we have one more word of advice for those who want a multi-faceted dog that will survive any apocalypse—get a mutt…they’re invincible. As a matter of fact, you should probably run out to your friendly neighborhood shelter and rescue one as soon as possible.
While a zombie apocalypse may end up being purely fictional, at least we hope it does, the current crisis is quite real. Stay safe, facts hounds. And, if at all possible stay home. And as always, catch ya next time.
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